Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
