You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
