I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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