she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
accomplished twins. life is a go
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
