I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
