Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Randomize
