piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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