i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
