Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I have already put on my inside pants.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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