Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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