I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
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