I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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