That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize