I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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