Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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