just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
