I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
