did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
