my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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