i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
