Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
