plz talk dirty to me
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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