I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
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don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
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Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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