just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
