You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
