Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
