Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
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I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
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You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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