meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
