I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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