cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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