she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
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You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
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i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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