my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
