dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
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He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
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the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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