do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
