I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
