I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
