I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
my liver is dry heaving
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
