So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
