Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
