Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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