i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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