toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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