The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
