i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
