She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Randomize
