I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
