so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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