Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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