I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
