youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
