last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
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