i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
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