even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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