We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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