if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
