Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
