Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
