We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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