Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
