How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
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