we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
