Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
