It's like a parade of train wrecks.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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