Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
